|
| |
| |
| Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the promise of a sitcom-style friend group around you 24/7...only to grow up and realize that’s not a thing. |
| |
| Maybe you, like me, have some friendships that radically changed over the last several years. In what felt like the blink of an eye, we all went from sharing zip codes and life experiences to sharing the occasional day together (which took at least six months of planning). It’s not the same, and it never will be, and that’s OK I guess. |
| |
| What I’ve learned recently from talking to lots of folks about this is that everyone feels like they’re missing out on that mythical friend group—whether yours recently dispersed or never existed in the first place. Lately, I’m trying to remind myself that it’s normal and inevitable for our friendships to fluctuate with the seasons of our lives. I’m having compassion for all the big feelings that come with that, trying to find new ways to stay connected with my out-of-sight-but-never-out-of-mind friends, and making room for the possibility of a new cast of characters to come with the next season. |
| |
| If this is something you’re struggling with too, keep reading for some great advice from our experts and the Wondermind community. |
| |
| —Casey Gueren, VP, Head of Content |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
| |
| Name and reframe your friendship fears. |
| If you’re feeling sad as hell scrolling through everyone’s fun summer plans, we get it. Even though it seems like everyone is having the Best Time Ever and you are the only person without a group of friends to reliably call up for beach trips and brunches, you really aren’t. |
| This is something psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, hears all the time, especially from adults who suddenly realize their “convenience friend groups” (from school, sports, etc.) are starting to disintegrate. While that’s validating, what do we actually do about it? |
| |
| First, sit with it and try to name the feelings that come up for you around your social situation. Is it envy for a dynamic other people seem to have? Sadness or anger around a particular friendship shift? Fear or worry about everyone hanging out without you? The next step is reframing those negative thoughts from a more accurate (or at least neutral) perspective. See below: |
| |
Everyone clearly hates me/forgot about me.
When you veer into self-criticism, Dr. Stern suggests zooming out and looking at the facts. “Let’s say you are in a phase of life where some of your friends are parents, and some of them are traveling the world with their new boo, and some of them are unemployed and really struggling with finances. There might be very legitimate reasons for why you're not seeing them,” she says. Basically, it’s not personal! |
| |
I’m such a loser for not having a go-to group to text this weekend.
Focus on the meaningful connections you do have in various areas of your life, says Dr. Stern. The Big Close Friend Group is actually really rare in adulthood, she says, and all those one-off friendships can add up to a pretty damn great social life. |
| |
I’ll seem so awkward and needy if I reach out now after all this time.
Try this reframe: Everyone is awkward and busy, so they might be relieved and happy to hear from me. More often than not, notes Dr. Stern, that’s how it goes! |
| |
|
|
|
 |
| |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
| |
| |
| Find untapped friendships in your existing network. |
| |
| Making new friends as an adult is hard and scary, but it’s also necessary if you recently looked around at your life and thought, Where the eff are all my friends? Most of us are mortified at the idea of striking up convos with strangers, so psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, has a good hack: Start with the people you already kinda know and see if there’s any untapped friend potential there. |
| |
| To hone in on who you’d like to get to know better, think about your unmet friendship needs and work backward from there. “Ask yourself what areas of your life you’d like to share with other people,” suggests Dr. Kirmayer. Maybe you need more parent friends or hiking buddies or someone to explore the local food and music scene with. Then, see if there’s anyone in your network who shares those interests and use that as a jumping-off point. Dr. Kirmayer suggests something like, “I'd love to learn more about photography and know you’re passionate about it too. Can we chat more about this over coffee?” |
| |
| Or maybe you’re in need of friends who share more of your values or have a personality trait you admire or enjoy, like a love of travel or a great sense of humor. When reaching out to people who have those qualities, be upfront about your intentions, says Dr. Kirmayer, like, “I really love our chats and your sense of humor—would you want to go to a comedy show sometime soon?” |
| |
| It’s normal to be nervous, but keep in mind that we tend to underestimate how much other people like us and want to get to know us better, says Dr. Kirmayer. By kicking off conversations with a topic you know the other person is interested in, you can really fast-track the connection. “For the most part, people really like talking about the things they enjoy, and it feels good when someone shows an interest in something we care about,” she says. |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
| |
 |
|
 |
|
|
